Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
