that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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