Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
