Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
