I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
