Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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