I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
