official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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