If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
