Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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