i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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