If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Let's paint friendship bongs
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
