I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
