"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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