I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
