I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
