Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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