we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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