i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
