i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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