I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
