How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
