As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
