My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
