the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
