I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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