I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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