the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
