Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
