I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
