Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
