"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
