I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
