I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
They have beer where we have blood.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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