I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
