6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
