There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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