I think I won the penis lottery.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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