we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
