So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
