so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
