My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
