First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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