Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
