well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
