Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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