Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
