Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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