How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
