She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You can't just leave with hair like that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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