So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
