3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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