Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
