Kiss
Puke
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
