My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
