One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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