he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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