Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
