I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
