I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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