Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
