Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
