So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
